jakobkerr: urinals we are not animals. we are men. and as such, we should follow basic rules when using public urinals. in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “we’re trying to run a civilization here.” here’s an easy guide: - choosing your location - this is basic — always leave at least a one-urinal gap between you and neighboring urinaters (urinators?) when possible. if choosing a urinal, grab one that has a gap between you and whoever is already peeing. if faced with a completely empty bank of urinals, don’t choose one in the middle — go to the sides to give other guys who come in the chance to create the one-urinal gap. mind the gap. **exception: this doesn’t apply if you’re faced with a large bank of urinals (say 7 or 8, like at the airport) and only one of them is occupied. in these cases, it is totally hilarious to grab one right next to the only guy who’s already peeing, instead of one of the other five or six available. - where to stare - straight ahead. this is not a bazaar. there are not gypsies hawking precious wares. no wandering eyes. **exception: in a gay bar, wandering eyes are just part of the deal. guys go there specifically to let their eyes wander. if you’re hetero, take it as a compliment. if you’re homo, let it rip. - auto-flush - there is perhaps no bigger sign of disrespect than when a urinal auto-flushes before you’ve finished and moved away. the urinal is essentially challenging your substance as a man, laughing in your face by implying your physical existence isn’t sufficient to keep it from triggering its flush sensor. this is a direct insult from a machine that thinks its better than you. in these instances, a response containing physical violence is completely warranted. never let the urinal get the better of you. - coverage - this is not the men’s locker room at the YMCA, where “Anything Goes” in the nudity department. it is expected that you keep your business at the urinal to yourself. avoid the premature turn — zip up, then turn and face the rest of the bathroom. also, guys, it really pains me that i have to go into this, but if you’re wearing skinny jeans and have to slide them down over your ass in order to pee, just go into a fucking stall already. while you’re in there, pull out your iPhone and leave yourself a voice memo to go buy some real pants. - hand placement - hands should be placed in front of you, near your crotch. going “hands-free”, while impressive, is not socially acceptable. putting your hands on your sides is a nice alpha position, especially when combined with a wide power-stance, but should be reserved for peeing outside while camping. putting your hands behind your head and reclining should be reserved for peeing off the side of a boat, preferably after 11 beers. - troughs - **important note! if peeing in a trough (such as in a shitty baseball stadium or concert venue), ALL BETS ARE OFF. none of the above rules apply. troughs indicate that the bathroom is basically a Lord of the Flies-type situation. take a piss, grab the conch, and make it out alive. those are the only rules.

jakobkerr:

urinals

we are not animals. we are men. and as such, we should follow basic rules when using public urinals. in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “we’re trying to run a civilization here.” here’s an easy guide:

- choosing your location -

this is basic — always leave at least a one-urinal gap between you and neighboring urinaters (urinators?) when possible. if choosing a urinal, grab one that has a gap between you and whoever is already peeing. if faced with a completely empty bank of urinals, don’t choose one in the middle — go to the sides to give other guys who come in the chance to create the one-urinal gap. mind the gap.

**exception: this doesn’t apply if you’re faced with a large bank of urinals (say 7 or 8, like at the airport) and only one of them is occupied. in these cases, it is totally hilarious to grab one right next to the only guy who’s already peeing, instead of one of the other five or six available.

- where to stare -

straight ahead. this is not a bazaar. there are not gypsies hawking precious wares. no wandering eyes.

**exception: in a gay bar, wandering eyes are just part of the deal. guys go there specifically to let their eyes wander. if you’re hetero, take it as a compliment. if you’re homo, let it rip.

- auto-flush -

there is perhaps no bigger sign of disrespect than when a urinal auto-flushes before you’ve finished and moved away. the urinal is essentially challenging your substance as a man, laughing in your face by implying your physical existence isn’t sufficient to keep it from triggering its flush sensor. this is a direct insult from a machine that thinks its better than you.

in these instances, a response containing physical violence is completely warranted. never let the urinal get the better of you.

- coverage -

this is not the men’s locker room at the YMCA, where “Anything Goes” in the nudity department. it is expected that you keep your business at the urinal to yourself. avoid the premature turn — zip up, then turn and face the rest of the bathroom.

also, guys, it really pains me that i have to go into this, but if you’re wearing skinny jeans and have to slide them down over your ass in order to pee, just go into a fucking stall already. while you’re in there, pull out your iPhone and leave yourself a voice memo to go buy some real pants.

- hand placement -

hands should be placed in front of you, near your crotch. going “hands-free”, while impressive, is not socially acceptable. putting your hands on your sides is a nice alpha position, especially when combined with a wide power-stance, but should be reserved for peeing outside while camping. putting your hands behind your head and reclining should be reserved for peeing off the side of a boat, preferably after 11 beers.

- troughs -

**important note! if peeing in a trough (such as in a shitty baseball stadium or concert venue), ALL BETS ARE OFF. none of the above rules apply. troughs indicate that the bathroom is basically a Lord of the Flies-type situation. take a piss, grab the conch, and make it out alive. those are the only rules.